Kissing with her thighs open.

But facetiously folks.

Today I participated in a phonetics experiment in which I was asked to listen to strange, robotically garbled sounds, and type out what I thought was being said. About three quarters of the sounds were completely undecipherable, but my instructions were to 'just guess' where this was the case. My errors afforded an unpleasant glimpse into my psyche. I wouldn't say it has an 18 rating as such. It's more like an incredibly unsettling PG without anything explicitly violent or sexy for the certification board to get censorious about, but will still fuck up certain kinds of sensitive kids for life - like, say, The Never Ending Story or The Wizard of Oz

After each attempt, the correct answer flashed up. Invariably I blushed and lowered my eyes away from the experimenter's thoughtful, occasionally pained frown. In my defence, the noises produced from the machine I was plugged into had a kind of plaintive, Satanic-bot quality to them that suggested the following dark aural interpretations.

'The broom is in the corner' I heard as 'Daddy put me in the corner'

'The pretty lady pours the milk' I heard as 'I'm so sad, she tore up all the silk'

'The silly girls shout' sounded to me like 'I'm a wretched maggot mouth'

'The kitchen's through that door' sounded like 'Now you can't hurt me no more'

Ladies?