Things I've started doing.

Using 'money' as a synonym for 'cool'.

Calling the Dutch 'an excitable race'

Telling girls they smell like pencil shavings, smirking all the while.

Interjecting with "If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face... for ever".

Breaking my day down into a minute by minute schedule, becoming increasingly frantic with each moment improperly passed, eventually grabbing fellows by the lapels and bellowing into their faces ' I haven't timetabled this breakdown'.

Demanding 'white man's wages' everywhere I go.

Asking directions and condemning the responses as 'cowardly fence-sitting'.

Calling my Mom and Dad.

Writing letters of complaint to cereal companies when my experience falls short of transcendent. Applauding good efforts that come close (Tea for Me honour roll: Cinnamon Grahams, Ricicles, Just Right).

Looking for grammatical errors in the newspaper and circling them. Looking around for someone to show. When I find someone, I proudly thrust it into their hands, chest out, blowing hair out of my face all cavalier and satisfied. When I don't find anyone, I eat until I can't eat any more, and then I force myself to be sick.

Watching movies at the BFI, which is bloody brilliant, mate. Bit of film for you mate? BFI's for you mate. Get yourself down the BFI. That's where the films are mate. Bloody brilliant.

How not to teach.

I think it’s quite safe not to listen to this man, a good natured Polonius, words falling dead, stillborn from the mouth, see-sawing (umbilical swinging) from one uncontroversial statement to its equally uncontroversial opposite. Anything, for the love of God, say anything substantive. Watching others teach to learn how to teach is useful, and if nothing’s going in yez may az weel. What makes him so terrible? Qualifying and digressing before the point has been made, I think. It forces the brain into an irritating balancing of unimportant side-issues, a regressive back-burnering for stuff that turns out to be useless. Some vexing mannerisms, too; stuttering; the eyes-wide, multi-nod to solicit assent, (for nothing); the trundling, tea-cosy regionalism that makes life seem an interminable bore, all grandfather clocks and old sweets for guests. Get some goddamn charisma.

Me, I’m going to be such a classroom badass. Written by a dead white man? Tear that shit out. Wanna say ‘irregardless’? Fuck it, man, say ‘irregardless’. The only rule is ‘express yourself’. If Mr CCL spent 70 clams on hookers and 376 on rum, coke and methamphetamine…

Nobody puts Cancer in the corner