Things I've started doing.

Using 'money' as a synonym for 'cool'.

Calling the Dutch 'an excitable race'

Telling girls they smell like pencil shavings, smirking all the while.

Interjecting with "If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face... for ever".

Breaking my day down into a minute by minute schedule, becoming increasingly frantic with each moment improperly passed, eventually grabbing fellows by the lapels and bellowing into their faces ' I haven't timetabled this breakdown'.

Demanding 'white man's wages' everywhere I go.

Asking directions and condemning the responses as 'cowardly fence-sitting'.

Calling my Mom and Dad.

Writing letters of complaint to cereal companies when my experience falls short of transcendent. Applauding good efforts that come close (Tea for Me honour roll: Cinnamon Grahams, Ricicles, Just Right).

Looking for grammatical errors in the newspaper and circling them. Looking around for someone to show. When I find someone, I proudly thrust it into their hands, chest out, blowing hair out of my face all cavalier and satisfied. When I don't find anyone, I eat until I can't eat any more, and then I force myself to be sick.

Watching movies at the BFI, which is bloody brilliant, mate. Bit of film for you mate? BFI's for you mate. Get yourself down the BFI. That's where the films are mate. Bloody brilliant.