Adventures in self pity.

When my friends kiss girls I like, I deface their books in creative ways. Binomial nomenclature is useful here. Robert Nozick's 'Philosophical Explanations' becomes 'Philosophical Explanations, OR, how David tore my heart out'. His copy of 'Paradise Lost' is now the story of 'Paradise Lost, OR, how David failed in his obligations of friendship accrued through shared experiences, loving acts and assurances of the Broz before Hoz principle'. Taking the time to read through a whole novel crossing out the villain's name and replacing it with my betrayer's was a little more laborious, but the payoff should be magnificent. I just wish I could be there the next time he flips through his copy of David Copperfield and sees himself for what he is - no better than the loathsome, conniving, treacherous HEEP. I didn't want to be too predictable, so I've done the same with some of his non-fiction too. Currently I'm working on Ian Kershaw's biography of Hitler, first published under the title 'HITLER', now available in limited edition as 'DAVID'. I intend to slip it back onto his bookshelf at a prearranged 'let's talk this out' session at his place tomorrow - it's going to be a long night!

I've had a lot of fun with plays. It's been a challenge trying to integrate insults about this rodent into the dialogue artfully, without messing too heavily with the characters' natural cadences and lexicons, but I think I've done okay. Here are some samples - see if you can spot my alterations!

Beckett, 'Krapp's Last Tape'

ADA: You laughed so charmingly once, I think that's what first attracted me to you. That and your smile (Pause.) David is a lousy turd.

Shakespeare, 'Hamlet

O that this too too sullied flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew.
David is a fucking douchebag.

Stoppard, 'Travesties'

Carr (decisively) :No, it is perfectly clear in my mind. He must be stopped. (Removes shirt to reveal white undershirt with laser-printed portrait of David's face, contained within a red circle, a thick red line running through it). The Russians have got a government of patriotic and moderate men. Prince Lvov is moderately conservative, Kerensky is moderately socialist, and Guchkov is a businessman. All in all a promising foundation for a liberal democracy on the Western model, and for a vigorous prosecution of the war on the Eastern front, followed by a rapid expansion of trade. (A straw effigy of David is wheeled in, doused with gasoline, and set alight). I shall telegraph the Minister in Berne.